Leaving Room for God in Your Story
Perspective & reflections on healing birth trauma
After my daughter’s traumatic birth, I asked God, “why me?” Why did other women get to have their beautiful serene home births, yet my home birth was a failed attempt that left me and my baby almost losing our lives in the end? I really wanted to be mad at God and if I’m being honest, I was, deep down. I was resentful and subconsciously, really wanted to stay in victimhood. I wanted someone to blame and who is easier to blame other than God?
Looking back, almost four years later, I can see God written all over my story. Where would I be had I NOT experienced my daughter's birth the exact way it unfolded? I’m not implying that God intentionally hurt me or that He chose for my birth to be traumatic. Actually, I believe since we have free will that’s not possible. He allowed me to choose and that’s exactly what I did; however, I have come to realize that God can do beautiful and amazing things with even the most painful of stories.
Life is an endless opportunity for growing. What would be the point if we had all of the answers? Life would actually be quite boring in my humble opinion. It’s in the moments of expansion that we get to rediscover who we truly are. This is the lens that I use when I step back and see my birth trauma story for what it is. I see it with curiosity and gratitude. It was an opportunity for me to expand. Yes, there was pain in that expansion…but just like bodybuilding, for example, our muscles rip, shred, and rebuild, so that they can grow bigger. This process comes with lots of discomfort, hard work, maybe even pain, but the reward is in the results - a healthy, gorgeously sculpted body.
I digress…
I believe that God loves us so much that despite our not-so-great decisions, he still refines and sculpts us into something absolutely gorgeous and unique. He is the potter and we are the clay - sometimes really old dried out clay.
But back to birth trauma…
Oftentimes the pain of our experiences overshadows the opportunity for expansion. People don’t always want to see the light that is waiting on the other side of pain because they are too hurt and would rather sit in the heaviness of it, cling to it for dear life, letting the pain itself define them. I see it all the time as a birth worker and let me just say, it's understandable.
Being robbed of the joy every mother deserves on the day their baby is born is quite frankly, anger-inducing, especially if it didn't have to be that way. Yes, some birth trauma is unnecessary. It is a byproduct of the evil that exists in the industrialized medical complex. Then there is the birth trauma that comes from loss, rare complications that arise in birth every now and then, and instances that are truly only in God's hands. How does one accept that as their experience knowing that other women experience birth as the most magical day of their lives?
We make room for God.
We let go and let God do what He does best…
Only He can make beautiful things out of dust.
(This sweet song reminds me of this sentiment.)
What if your birth trauma story is a necessary part of your much bigger story?
What if God is using this experience to help shape you - form you into His masterpiece?
Pain refines us. Gives us perspective. Humbles us. Adds layers to us. Gives us depth.
Way before having my daughter, I knew I wanted to be a birthworker.
God planted the seed in me over 13 years ago after having my first child. I always knew I wanted to serve women in the birth space. I had no idea what that would look like, though. I also had no idea how God would pave the way for me. If you take one piece of my story as an isolated event, it may seem insignificant, but when I see it all together, I know that God was so intentional and thoughtful and loving.
In 2011, I became a mom. My birth wasn’t my own, but I accepted it for what it was because I was “only 17 years old”.
My body didn’t feel like my own.
In 2012, I was diagnosed with endometriosis.
I felt like my body was punishing me.
In 2013, I was guided to yoni steaming, womb healing, and Mayan abdominal massage.
I began to reclaim my body as my own after my son's birth.
In 2014, I was spontaneously healed of endometriosis.
In 2020, I became a doula.
I thought I knew so much about birth and women.
In 2021, I experienced the traumatic birth of my daughter.
I was so angry. I felt like my body wasn’t my own.
In 2022, I decided to begin healing and serving women in the birth space again.
I was radically changed when I decided to take full responsibility for my experience.
God was moving. He was downloading so much wisdom into me about His creation and through my own healing, I was able to help many women heal, too.
In 2023, I wrote “Healing Birth Wounds” which was the blueprint God gave me for healing my birth trauma. He also gave me another book to write, which I am still currently working on called, “Birth in Power”.
In 2024, I freebirthed my third child and received incredible wisdom about birth.
I now serve women in integrity as a birthkeeper. With such a deeper understanding of birth & healing than I ever could’ve imagined. A confidence in serving and holding space that I didn’t have before.
I’m not sure if I would have gotten to this point without every piece of my story being exactly how it is. Each piece of my story fits together, creating a perfect picture. Each and every piece is significant and necessary.
This is a gentle nudge to zoom out for a second. Not to sweep your pain under the rug or be all “toxic positivity” about your trauma. I encourage you to feel it all. But in feeling it all, don’t lose yourself to the pain. Make room for God. Make room for your deepest desires and purpose. Only you know your story. Only you know your pain.
Get curious.
Ask God.
xx
Tiffany