Calling out myself & the pretentious mindset of the radical freebirth community

Ending my birth work era as it was.

I’m four months postpartum. Wow — that happened so fast.

My sweet son, Artemis, gave me the beautiful gift of his birth.

And a rebirth of my own. His birth changed me, but not in the ways I thought it would.

This postpartum has revealed things to me that has taken some time to fully digest & accept. And if I’m being honest I’m still unraveling a lot (but does that ever really end?) which is why I’ve been so hesitant to release my thoughts into the world. I’m finally going to hit “publish” after over a month sitting on this.

After giving birth for the third time, I had the very impulsive response to throw myself back into birth work because I was on that wild high of birth. That feeling of “omg I did it (again) and I want to help other women feel this good about their births!”

But then I also had the contrary feeling of "WHAT THE F JUST HAPPENED?!”

I was actually *absolutely* ROCKED by the intensity of my most recent birth, which was a fast one just under two hours long. I didn’t really want to admit that the pain took me out of my body and completely wrecked me. Especially since during my pregnancy I was reading “PORTAL” — kinda half-assly considering the idea of an “ecstatic and pain-free birth.”

HA HA HA. Ok.

I won’t dive too deep into that book right now, but I will say that in my opinion it is an OVER-simplification of transmuting pain into bliss (at best) and yes, I’m sure after having as many births as Yolande, that becomes easier to do over time. But to say women CHOOSE pain is just flat out arrogant and belittling.

Artemis’ birth was completely undisturbed…sacred…straight-forward…even redemptive…but oh so freakin’ INTENSE! Painful. Scary. Wild. Maybe even a little traumatic. Physically…for sure. Mentally…a bit?

But the whole —dare I say— cult-y freebirth community brags that an undisturbed birth is the creme de la creme of births, which shouldn’t leave you with trauma, per say…and that it would in fact give you everything that you *need* to thrive in postpartum and motherhood. How…simple they make it seem.

And I was once one of those birth workers, sitting on my soapbox shouting FREEBIRTH from the rooftops, all “for women.”

But this is what I’ve come to realize…

Women do not need to be told what to do. They need support. Less judgment. Less gaslighting. Less competition. Less comparison. More love. More acceptance. Period. Whether they choose freebirth, cesarean, or anything in between.

It makes sense why I went down this path, though…because my days working as a doula “in the system” straight-up traumatized me. I was witness to women being gaslit, made to feel less-than, told how they should birth, judged for their preferences, treated like they were crazy for going against the grain…the list goes on. This is why I decided to enter the sovereign birth space as a birth worker, but what I observed there had extreme parallels to the medicalized birth space in my opinion. It took me a while to see it, though. It took me having my own sovereign, freebirth to realize that these people are drinking the koolaid, HEAVY.

The fact that it’s spoken about like it’s the holy grail of birth. Like it’s a fool-proof choice. I mean, it’s a little ridiculous because we are talking about birth. Something as intimate and personal as sex. Imagine telling someone how they should have sex? And I’ll also add, it’s quite dangerous because I just dont think freebirth is for everyone.

We’re talking about birth here. Yes, there is a lot that birth can teach us as women, but let’s stop likening it to an ayahuasca ceremony or an encounter with Jesus Christ himself (although I’m sure many can encounter God during birth if they choose). Let’s also stop acting like women who choose freebirth are more awakened than the rest of women out there, please.

This is precisely what has given me the ICK about the sovereign birth world. This implied hierarchy amongst the freebirthers and the others.

Birth is birth. Period.

Yes, violence exists in the industrialized medical system.

Yes, women can still have beautiful, enlightening births in this setting if they really plan for that (I’ve witnessed it and experienced it with my first birth).

Also:

Yes, home births/freebirths/sovereign births can be absolutely beautiful.

They can also rock you to your core and be quite scary, too. It can even be *dare I say* dangerous if you or your baby needs medical attention immediately post-birth. That’s just the truth.

There are pros and cons to EVERYTHING and there is no perfect option out there.

Why? Because we do not live in a perfect world. We actually live in a fallen world — which is why sickness, disease, and death exists.

A thought that I had after my recent freebirth kinda left me shook when I realized how blessed I was to not have been faced with this, but I thought to myself, “what if my baby died at home after birth, but could have been saved if there was a medically trained person present?” I actually don’t know if I could live with myself after something so tragic. The thought of it sends chills down my spine.

And these stories are out there. Granted, not broadcasted on popular freebirth podcasts and such, but they exist. In fact, I would bet that they are being grossly covered up by the freebirth cult, to minimize what the risk actually is. to glamorize this entire lifestyle.

And you know what else exists?

Mothers and babies dying in hospitals due to medical neglect and the over-medicalization of birth, too.

I am aware that there is no *perfect* way to birth. I’ve been witness to the trauma and violence that exists in hospitals as well as a witness to beautiful sovereign births; however it doesn’t mean that there’s no grey area in either of those options.

This is the danger: the narrative that floats around in the birth space that “women were made for birth,” don’t need anything outside of themselves to birth, and that if you’re “outsourcing” then you must not have enough faith in your body. There’s so much ignorance to the fact that we simply live in a world where things do go wrong and just because we’re *designed* for something does not mean it will always work seamlessly. This is what the sovereign birth world chooses to sweep under the rug.

For a long time, I too, was drinking the koolaid and thinking that freebirth was in fact the *best* way a woman can ever birth.

But really, the best way to birth is to birth how you want to. How you feel called to. Even if that’s having an elective cesarean, an induction, an epidural, a midwife assisted home birth, an unassisted freebirth. It’s for women to choose, without guilt or judgment or hierarchy. The importance of this is HUGE because only God can speak to us and lead us to the best decision for us and our babies. It’s our responsibility to tune out the noise around us and listen to that nudge.

I’ve been contemplating the question of “what are even my own thoughts anymore?” What are even our own thoughts?

Am I a freethinker like I’ve always thought of myself to be? Or am I just so heavily influenced by other people’s thoughts and opinions? I believe that’s the predicament of our time…the era of social media and the overstimulation from over-consuming on IG, Tiktok, Youtube, Substack, etc — hundreds of different thoughts projected onto us in a days time. It’s a lot to sift through.

People consume without proper filtration and discernment. This is how we get sucked in by extreme groups like The Freebirth Society, for example. It happens to the best of us (definitely me!) but the point is to awaken to this reality and go to God, instead of putting others on a pedestal.

When I was one of those suuuuuper opinionated (& obnoxious) sovereign birth extremist content creators, I always felt an underlying sense of guilt — for coming off judgmental of other women who didn’t align with my opinion (which I was totally stating as fact). I felt guilty being a doula who thought I knew what was best for women when in reality I just didn’t. How could I? I wasn’t *hearing* my clients needs. I was assuming I knew what all women needed and that was to have a natural birth free from the medical system.

I now realize that was indeed a trauma response combined with ego drawn from the corner of birth-stagram that I was surfing in. My trauma? From being a birthworker in the system, taking on clients who expected me to protect them from the system. I had unrealistic expectations and got sucked into the facade of “advocacy”—something that is expected of doulas. But here’s the thing: you can’t pay anyone to save you from your own choices. But the pressure to “save” these women from the medical system did its work on a subconscious level with me.

So when I finally reached my breaking point, I stopped taking doula clients and quickly shifted to being a “birthkeeper”—a fancy name for birth coach in the sovereign birth world. I began drawing my inspiration from sovereign birth stories I was consuming and clients I had taken on who chose unassisted birth. I hadn’t experienced it for myself, but I was sure that there was enough anecdotal evidence to prove that unassisted birth was indeed safest and best for almost all women. That there is minimal, if any, trauma that comes with birthing on your own terms. And of course, the idea that it was the enlightened way to birth your baby.

*I cringe*

Because from where I sit now, it feels…icky…to judge another woman for their choice of birth and how they choose to feed their baby, and raise their family. Or to toot my own horn for choosing unassisted birth or breastfeeding or co-sleeping or whatever other decision I make for my family, as if it’s the *superior* option.

What I’ve come to realize is that birth is hard. Motherhood is hard. Postpartum is hard.

It’s okay to admit that (something I felt so much shame around because “I shouldn’t be a victim to motherhood” according to the “enlightened” mothers).

But I also know that motherhood is my calling. A blessing. My best teacher. And everything I could want & more in life.

They can coexist. We can be real about it.

Some days are rainbows and sunshine. Some days are cloudy and rainy. We survive—no, actually, we thrive. As mothers, when we fully surrender to it all, we can absolutely thrive (something I’m still learning to do).

So who am I to act like I know what’s best for another woman and her children? I’m still figuring out what’s best for me.

I can tell you one thing: freebirth is not the cure-all answer, although many birth “influencers” out there will make it seem that way.

Birth trauma can still happen. And that’s okay to admit. Complications can still happen. And it’s okay to “outsource” if you want. Postpartum depression/anxiety/rage can still happen. And it’s okay to be there and ask for help.

Freebirth will not save you from your problems, it will likely magnify them.

Of course, it can be a gift, too. I know it helped me find my power. But it also rocked me and left me scared. “Am I really equipped to handle something going wrong?” is what I thought to myself after I birthed my son. I wished I had more support. Even affirmation from a professional.

Mothers do not have to play all the roles.. Outsourcing is okay! It’s a blessing to have the option to. No shame to feel around that.

I’m also not one of those moms who can sit here and say that they’re fine with whatever happens with their baby during birth even if they do not survive because “that’s what was meant to be…” Because if there’s something that the medical world can offer my baby to save them, I want it!

That’s why I can’t get down with that extreme view of “freebirth or die”…I’m sorry what?! Yes—there are people in that community who would rather die (and their baby) than step foot in a hospital. I don’t get it. It’s wayyyy too extreme for 2025.

Why can’t they coexist? If you want to have your baby at home that is lovely. It’s also lovely that we have emergency care at our fingertips here in the U.S. What’s the point of not accepting help? To prove a point? To fit in the “cool club”?

Well, guess what? Those who are drinking the koolaid will one day awaken to their dangerous mindset and I pray it’s not under tragic circumstances. My biggest issue is with the influencers, the leaders, the teachers of this community. You have a responsibility as a teacher. The bible says:

James 3:1-12

Not many [of you] should become teachers, my brothers and sisters, for you know that we [who are teachers] will be judged by a higher standard [because we have assumed greater accountability and more condemnation if we teach incorrectly].

Yes, I fully believe is radical responsibility, but I also believe that as humans it’s in our nature to want to learn more, expand our minds, be better, do better. So when information is presented in such a way that it preys on women (and vulnerable ones, too, who often come with birth trauma), it’s kinda predatory.

It’s actually the same reason why I started unfollowing the “crunchy” moms. This community often overlaps with the freebirth community. I once considered myself to be down with both groups, but then I noticed something. The same women who preach that we shouldn’t live in fear are also spending their days creating fear-mongering content — “warning” people of the dangers of basically…everything. It’s no way to live. All it did was make me a pretentious, paranoid, hypochondriac. Hella toxic.

I take full responsibility for falling for all the BS.

In the very niche community that I’ve spent time in — the crunchy, sourdough making, freebirthing, Christian moms to be exact — the hypocrisy is unfathomable. While they speak of Jesus and show off that they submit to their husbands and teach their children to “love thy neighbor”, they also ostentatiously share beautifully curated content about their superior way of living. Better hope they don’t find out that you gave your kid red-40 or you might be talked about at the bible study.

But what about grace and love and respect and acceptance of others?

Matthew 7:3-5

"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' while you have a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye."

I’m exhausted from the extreme thinking. The hypocrisy. The judgment. The anti-women women’s groups. Putting other moms down. The comparison mindset. Obsessively trying to be the most well informed, most enlightened person in the room.

I am in no way innocent when it comes to this behavior because I have absolutely drank the koolaid myself. I’m super grateful that through my recent birth and postpartum, God greatly humbled me and revealed so much to me. I pray that this message lands with love. I’ve been holding back from sharing this for over a month, but I feel like this is the time to finally close this door.

On that note, I’ve decided I’m officially exiting birth work and moving on to endeavors that give me life. I will be around and have love and gratitude for the connections I’ve made in this space.

Peace & love

XX

Tiffany